Advice needed
Posting from: MarKuel
Local time: NAPTIME! Aka 1:30 pm Saturday, September 9, 2006
Weather: Overcast and muggy; mosquito weather.
Well let’s see, what shall we report today? Last night for dinner we had broiled salmon and mashed potatoes and salad. Fascinating, I know. Tonight we are having cabbage rolls and bread and boiled potatoes with parsley. I’ve not much else to blog about as the children have spent most of the day in tears and lamentations because they have mean parents who do not tolerate sassy looks and stubborn refusals and blatant disobediences. Today we have had two raging temper tantrums and one canceled outing and one canceled playground time and one prematurely terminated playground time and one trip to the translator to discuss the relationship between ugly defiant behavior and loss of outings/playground time (see pic).
On the happy news side, Andy loves to do the dishes while Juliana wipes and puts away the mats and wipes down the table. That’s about it for the happy news side for today.
Other than the raging temper tantrums, the hardest thing for Jamie and I is living in a flat. We are getting cabin fever right at the time when the children are testing their limits, which means our outings have to be short and sweet and close to home in case we need to retreat; running away in defiance is one thing in the flat and another thing altogether on a city sidewalk.
So, my question of the day is: When your little ones are avoiding nap time by crying wolf with potty needs, what do you do? They are up every five minutes contributing 7 drops to the toilet, yet can go for hours during non-nap intervals. Do you just say no? Do you use a timer and limit one potty break per interval? When one goes, the other has to too and it becomes a big event. Your sage advice is requested.
(!!)
13 comments:
I can't remember how old are they, but if they are pullup ages, I'd have them go potty before nap, put on a pullup (or a big diaper) and keep them in the bed or rock them to sleep. You can't win a potty or a food battle with kids. They've got ya over a barrel. :-) Also since these children are new to you, new to the idea of family, they are just learning to trust you. Its very hard to discipline a child who doesn't trust you yet and have any result. The desire to please the parent comes with love and time. Its frustrating, take care.
PS: You should post this question on the frua board.
Suzanne:
I agree they are testing you to see where the "line in the sand" is in terms of behaviours. Once our kids were over toddler age, we used rewards/consequences for elicit the behavior we wanted. In the case of nap/bathroom, prior to the nap we would plan a very nice snack or activity that the child VERY much wanted. We all discussed the rules (potty before nap, rest quiet, not getting up before it was time, etc), used the potty and put them down. Needless to say initially they could/would not adhere to the rules so the desired treat/activity was lost and we would discuss after nap how sad we were that they decided they did not want the snack/activity, linking the responsibility for the lost privilege to their actions. There were times LOTS of desirable things were lost in a day due to poor behavior/refusal to follow the rules but they soon learned that it was no fun to have nothing to do/play with/look forward to. It also meant we did not get to do things we (the adults) wanted because the activity was lost but it showed the kids that controlling their actions in a desirable manner gave them both positive praise from us and a tangiable reward. Now, this was with our bio kids and you have the language/building a new relationship issue to deal with but I think it is worth a try. We still use it with our teenagers...i.e. you chose not to complete your chores as you were supposed to, therefore you may not go to the movies with your friends.
Hang in there, it gets better!!!!
Tantrums are something that we are very used to!!! Our boys, as you know, are both 5. They have been different than our 4 bio children. In a way, they are a lot like our 4 when they were 2 or 3 years old. Remember, these kids have been in an orphanage and have missed a lot of developmental steps. We sometimes feel we are dealing with toddlers more than 5 year olds. Boundaries and limits provide children with security. Many think boundaries are mean and harsh, but kids need to know that you are there and will provide for them. Stick to a routine and be consistent. We have been very consistent with our disciplining techniques(better than with the first 4 kids). The process has been VERY slow, but we are finally starting to see progress, a month and a half later. They just need to feel secure in what you say. We discipline, then alway follow with lots of loving. It is so hard. I've cried several times, but it truly is starting to show signs of progress.
Hang in there. Being a parent is tough! Never easy!! It's the hardest job you'll ever have and the best one too! I'm sure you've already figured that out. Sometimes you have to give up for your kids. It is worth it all in the end when you have well-behaved, well-mannered children. We are praying for you guys.
No advice here. I was just thinking as I was reading that it's a good thing that the temper tantrums have arrived. They feel safe enough to act out--not thinking they'll be taken back to the Dveksky Dom if they aren't perfect. And, I bet there are very few temper tantrums in the Children's Home...
Maybe this is a Pollyanna-ish take on the reality of dealing with tantruming kiddos, but...maybe it helps.
I think you're doing a brilliant job being firm and consistent. There must be such a temptation to spoil them to make up for all they've missed out on and to excuse behaviour. By giving them loving, consistent discipline as you are, you are LOVING them.
Sounds tough! Especially being in a flat so far away from home & friends/family. I have no advice, but the advice others gave sounds good to me. I'm sure we'll be dealing with these same things.
You know the old credo, Just Say NO! Make sure they go before bed. When they start asking and you know it is just a bluff, say no. They may test you one or two nights and pee on themselves to see if it will make you back down and give in to them, but I think after they see you are sticking to your guns, they will cut it out and only ask when they truly have to go. Just my opinion though.
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This is a sample comment as mom is watching to see how we do it.
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Hi, you are doing awesome. Children break your heart when they chose to lose treats and fun times. I feel for you. I think the "earn it with good behavior" tact will be very effective. The glass of water/ potty card is a tough one to trump. Do you have good insight into what motivates each of them? (praise, attention, food....) Had a power struggle here with M this morning and I drew him a picture showing him what his attitude and actions were doing for him and a picture of what he could do to get what he wanted...the illustrations gave some comical relief to our horn locking and he chose the correct behavior (with some wimpering I appeared not notice). Hang in there. I love you!!! j
Hang in there. I think you are getting good advice here. I think just the encouragement from Kim about stages of development. And the reward thing. It will be more managable in your own home and comfort zone. You and Jamie may want to take a 15 min. walk to get a breather and regroup while the other watches the children if you get discouraged and run down. Hang in there - you're doing SO great! MaliMai p.s. whilt it is all new I think the rewards within reason are a good thing. And potty seperately. We split up the twins ofent. Divide and conquer.
Hi Suzanne,
I really feel for you guys as I am sure all four of you are just plain tired from all the states of emotional change. I think the other writers have left you great advice. I recall this very issue soon after ours were potty trained and they realized that "I have to go potty" was the golden ticket out of bed. I think you can reasonably let them go once, and then afterwards say 'no'. Of course they may not be bluffing that time, or they may wet the bed on purpose to see what effect that will have. Anyway you might not be able to tell the difference, but if they do, and you clean things up with patience, love, and firmness you are teaching them that your love is unconditional. The only thing to consider is how easy it is to do laundry there.
I think it is great advice to take turns watching and the other one of you to take a 15 minute walk and breather. It's amazing what fresh oxygen can do when you get cabin fever with your kids.
Love Jenny
This must be one of the tough times! I agree tantrums are a good sign, showing developing relationship and trust, but boy are they hard to live through! Hang in there and support each other. You are doing a great job!
From my experience teaching first grade and having gone through it with my own boys, bathroom calls are always more frequent in the beginning, when there is a new bathroom or relationship or schedule or whatever. It is partly the need for reasurrance that the bathroom is available, and partly testing the routine and relationship, and partly the novelty. I think you just have to ride the wave and try not to let it become a battle. They will get used to things and it will not be an issue after a while. I don't think it is helpful to be strict about how many times one can go; it might make some of us more anxious! ;) Wetting the bed could develop into another whole trama that no one wants. Letting them know you trust them to know their own body's needs is worth the agravation, in my opinion.
The best tip I have been given and hang onto: Reward Pleasantness, Ignore Uproar. That is my mantra when things get tough.
Focus on the beauty around you as much as possible - and there is a lot of it in view from here!
I can't remember how old your kids are, but I stopped giving my kids naps at age 3. Instead, I started putting them to bed an hour earlier. This worked better for us. We would have a regular bedtime routine and I didn't have the fights and struggles I did with a nap.
They are just so excited to be with you!
First limit those drinks close to bedtime and then everyone must pee before bed and cannot get back out of bed for at least 30 mins. (hopefully they will be asleep by then) and be sure and get them up sometime during the night
Also have them wear big kid nite pants if you want!
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