All I want for Christmas is a full night's sleep
This is really hard. We have wonderful support and we are finally home and we are so weary. We did not baby-proof our home sufficiently, imagining that our children would be reliably obedient about forbidden zones from the get-go: very naïve of us.
As it is, it is as if we are baby-sitting in that we can never have them out of our sight. Having lived in a world where everything was a.) safe for children and b.) existed expressly for children, Andy and Juliana can not hang onto the thought that some things are truly and permanently off-limits. In the orphanage, things that were not appropriate for children were kept in other rooms – rooms the children didn’t even know existed – so anything that was in the three rooms in which they lived truly was for them, if not now, then later.
We will say that something is off-limits and they hear that it is off-limits for now. It is all very reasonable considering what they are familiar with. It is also wearing us out as they keep checking to see if something is still off-limits. It is a bit like living with toddlers, but they are tall and have excellent fine motor skills and can open latches etc. Yes, it is exactly like that. Imagine you have an inquisitive toddler who hasn’t learned boundaries yet. You put everything up high or behind a baby-proof latch. Now imagine that your toddler is tall and can easily manipulate your latch and there are two of them. What do you do?
So, you experienced adoptive parents, how do you handle this? Oh right, you don’t have time to read blogs, you are busy parenting. Hmmmm . . .
Just in case you are reading, here is our other dilemma. Juliana has night terrors which of course wake Andy up as they share a room. Juliana gets cuddled and rocked back to sleep as she is icy cold and sweating and is, well, terrified. Andy does not get rocked back to sleep as he is merely grouchy from being awakened. Of course the “I want what she has” reflex kicks in and then he cries because she is being rocked and he is not. This keeps her from going back to sleep. Obviously, we could deal with this by giving them separate rooms, except that in general, Andy is frightened of being alone at all. They are used to having an adult sleep in the same room, but we really don’t want to start that. Ack. Our current lousy plan is to take turns staying up late waiting for the terrors (they happen in her first cycle of sleep) so that we can get her out of the room before Andy really gets going. This of course will only work until Jamie goes back to work on Monday as the parent who did the night shift gets to sleep in the morning. Or I’ll be doing the night shift as well as getting up with the kids at 7:00 and I’ll be grouchy and crying.
What I wouldn’t give for 24 hours of our old life back, just so we could get the house straightened out and a solid night of sleep so that we could handle this better. I don’t want our old life back for keeps, but it would sure be nice to have it back for just for enough time to get properly ready for the new life.
(!!)
18 comments:
i remember the tears of sleep deprivation those first weeks VERY well. of course, i was dealing with one newborn, not with 2 active, inquisitive kids... i don't have any parenting words of wisdom to help out - just some words of encouragement... hang in there! and, i'll be checking in to see what the more experienced parents have to say. its always good to save good advise.
Could you maybe give them sep. rooms. For the first week stay in his room until he falls asleep. Then the next week sit outside his room and assure him that you are close by, until he falls asleep. And then totally pull away? Could that do it? Then she wont wake him, and he will learn to be on his own. Just a thought. I am praying for a full night of sleep for all.
Sweetie you will get there. It just takes some time. You will make it. You are a great mom, I promise!
Here's my lame attempt at advice. Any "babyproofing" I did with Vladimir (Peanut) was futile. I had an 8-year old that jumped on countertops and explored every tiny inch of my house. He wanted to try everything -- every light switch, every door, every item in every drawer. It was all fascinating to him.
Finally I just had to start telling him the "whys" behind every nyet that I said. Don't touch this because it's Mama's. Don't touch this because it's dangerous. Don't touch this because... etc.
It certainly wasn't a tell-him-once-and-you're-done type of situation. He needed reminding. But once he remembered he listened. Without the "why" he never would have listened.
The first few weeks he was home with me I had to watch him at every moment. He had zero concept of what was safe and what was dangerous unless I told him so. And he had to develop a bit of respect for my opinion about what was/wasn't safe.
Regarding the night terrors, Vladimir had some nightmares but nothing as severe as a true night terror. And since he was the only kiddo here, I don't have any great advice. Instead of waiting awake for her to have a night terror, could you both just go in when she does and one go to Juliana and one of you go to Andy when he wakes up? It's certainly going to be tiring for both of you.
Suz:
No advice re sleep deprivation except to hang in there and take a nap when Jaime comes home from work (seriously, you will need to recharge your batteries). As for night terrors, Rachel had episodes that would peel paint in their intensity. Rachel shared a room with Ryan at the time and what we found to work was a baby monitor, as she would wimper/thrash long before the screams would start and we could be in there to comfort her before Ryan woke up. Right now I understand your hesitancy in putting the kids in separate bedrooms (everything too new) but that may be a long term solution if the terrors do not abate (sorry to say but Rachel's lasted close to 2 years, tho their intensity and frequency lessened during that time). Will be thinking of you!
I'm sorry that I don't have any personal words of advice as we are still waiting for our first trip to see our kids. But, in some classes we have gone to through our agency they did discuss the things that may be helpful if our kids are not comfortable with sleeping alone at first. They instructed us to all sleep in the room together for a while and then, slowly moving one person out of the room at a time over the days/weeks.
I know you must be frustrated being sleep deprived as well as having to deal with jet-lag. Hang in there, I know you will make it through these adjustment times!
You will be in my prayers. Hang in there!
This is a tough time for both of you. It is part of the right of passage of parenthood. Being sleep-deprived is just part of it. I know many Moms that only slept 2 or 3 hours per night for as long as 7 or 8 months. Granted...they were younger than we are now....but you will get used to having a little less sleep, trust me. Your body just has to acclimate. I also agree with taking advantage of resting when you can (naps when Jamie comes home, or naps with the kids, when they lay down to rest). The idea of the baby monitor may also work well as you may be able to get Julianna before Andy stirs. This way you and Jamie can take turns being the one getting up during the night, so that at least one of you gets a good nights sleep every other night. This is at least, better than nothing. Your children are learning boundaries, something that is very new to them. Perhaps explaining why certain items are off limits will help them understand. They are both at the developmental age of reasoning now. Lastly, "this too shall pass"....and you will make it over this hurdle. We have been following along on your adventures and you and Jamie are doing a FANTASTIC job!! Kudos to the card idea re: privileges in Russia. What about a chart with Happy faces on it for each child, and when they misbehave they get a sad face placed over the happy face. When all the happy faces are covered up....then a huge consequence occurs. This worked so well with my son when he was younger. He would see the happy faces disappearing and would try to hard not to get them all covered and get the consequence (not being able to see the Muppet show that night...we have older children). It was a perfect visual aid for him (and something that would transcend a language barrier). It might just work with the kids getting into things that they shouldn't be getting into!! Suz....just hang in there......you are really doing such a great job, really! You just need a little time to recharge your batteries!! We are still praying for all of you!!
heres what i think--just mentally prepare yourself for three long months. they will be long and very tiring but just settle in and do the next thing. if you must cry-do so. if you must clean-do so. just keep going. you can do it. each child we added caused us three challenging months day in and out. i cried but most of all i cried out to Jesus and allowed my friends and family to help when possible. thinking of you often--sandy
Hey guys,
Sounds like you are doing an excellent job. Sleep deprivation & messy house come with the territory of new parenting. It's a killer and there's really no way to describe it or prepare for it. I thought it may kill me!!! I'm terrible on lack of sleep. About the only thing that helped me was napping/resting when the baby/little ones took naps. Even if Andy doesn't sleep, ADULTS: still lay down. Whether you are in their room or not. You need rest to function at your best. The house can wait. Obviously you have to cook, do laundry, but the white glove test can wait :o)
You are doing a fabulous job!!!!!
On the boundaries when you've already told them what's off-limits. You'll just have to keep going over it. Kids need boundaries to feel safe. Kids, whether adopted or not, test boundaries every day. I have three kids, so I know. Clearly at your end of the deal, I imagine they test alot. Hang on, they sound like they are doing really well!!!
On the nighttime sleeping, is it totally out of the picture for one of you to sleep in their room temporarily? I know we were totally against the co-sleeping idea until we wanted to adopt. We completely reconsidered the idea once we thought about the fact that kids who are adopted may have been from a culture where they slept in the same room with several children, or even in the same bed. Tough transition. When our daughter to be (thru adoption) was coming, we intended for me to sleep in her room. Now that we are on our second adoption, we have the same plan. It's only temporary until they are safe in our family, home, their room, etc. Sure it sucks as a married couple. I agree.
You are doing such a great job!!!
Take care, Alison
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Suzanne, Sleep deprivation is a big big thing regardless of what age a child comes into your life. Its sooo hard to adjust. You might have to experiment with a few things to get it right. I would consider separting them, or both comforting both children, family bed, you and Jamie taking turns sleeping with the children.
Also, please consider having someone come by like a mother's helper to do housework, or to play with the children before you really get run down. I didn't do this and got soooo exhausted there came a time when my baby cried in the night and I couldn't care less. I was toast. Don't get that far behind on sleep.
If that is not possible, I know someone who babyproofed one bedroom in the house. She locked herself and her child into that room with toys, movies, books whatever and she collapsed on the floor to sleep knowing the child could amuse herself and be safe while she slept.
You will get through this but it will take some time. You are doing great.
Serena
Suzanne, I just remembered something. In that new adoption parenting book there is a list of things to try for night terrors. I should make you a copy of the sleep section or something. Anyway one of the ideas was to 'rouse' the child right before the terror usually starts. Just shake them slightly. They believe night terrors are often a problem in the transition from one level of sleep to the next. By 'interupting' this, sometimes the terror is avoided. I had a friend who was having terrible problems in this regard recently so I did some research for her. If you'd like a copy of the information, let me know.
(sorry to be so wordy, sleep problems are sooo difficult and I sympathize so much.)
serena
I totally agree with everything said above. Any advise I was going to mention was already said. Our boys had night terrors, one still sneaks in every once in a while, but they are mostly over, not nightly anymore. Our pediatrician said to wake them up totally. Don't just comfort them. Shake them lightly and totally wake them up so that the cycle stops. We had both children screaming out each night, but we didn't have the problem of them waking each other. I guess they were so used to sleeping in the same room as each other that they slept right through it.
I also agree that this is part of motherhood- exhaustion and the never-ending housework. Six children later, I still have trouble accepting the mess and fight it daily. Some days I'm so tired I can hardly stand. Hang in there, you'll get used to it and things will even out in time. The sleeping will eventually come and as they settle into your expectations, boundaries, and routines that will all even out too.
You have only been home and with them an extremely short time. My goal when these things occur is just make it through this season of life. A new season is always on the horizon. You're doing a great job, Mom! Hang in there! Parenting is the hardest thing you'll ever do and the most rewarding too.
Hey guys,
One more idea. There's a great book on boundaries by Cloud & Townsend called "Boundaries & Kids" or Boundaries for Kids (Kids and Boundaries). Whatever. I have the first book called "Boundaries". Anyway, it's a Christian set of authors and I really loved the first book. Perhaps when you have a chance to read again, you'd like the Kid's Boundaries book. Don't know, haven't read it. But the first book was great.
I remember in your blog you said something about feeling like you're babysitting and the kids are large toddlers. I bet you feel like that!!! Since they haven't been with your family all this time, everything is new. Plus adding children now is totally new for you both as parents and as a married couple. It tries every couple to the core and you are very normal to be thinking and feeling the way you do. Parenting is a whole new world and personal time and independance is gone. I remember feeling it as a total rude awakening!!! I couldn't even find time to go to the bathroom without someone crying or wanting in the bathroom with me. Or me panicking about what was going on outside the bathroom.
It's a whole new world for you that will never go back. You'll have to be on top of it (thru exhaustion & sleep deprivation) regardless. Hopefully you have family to help pitch in occasionally? I love the mother's helper idea!! I had no family help & it would have been a huge plus.
Final idea: keep a journal of what the kids are up to during these days. You'll all love looking back in later years at this ;o)
Take care, Alison
I'm taking this as the voice of experience warning me to BABYproof no matter the age I'm adopting. I always find something on your blog to store away for future reference. Thanks for all of it!
We're still waiting on our referral so I can't offer any first hand experience - just thoughts and prayers that you CONTINUE to have the strength, patience and wisdom to help your children recover from their pasts and make the transition into the wonderful life that's in store for your family. I imagine this time is really a bonding time for all of you - kind of like going through boot camp together. Once you make it through, you're closer and stronger together than ever.
My son had night terrors alot. Our pediatrician recommended going in and waking him gently after about 2 1/2 hours of sleep which as I recall was suppossed to be just before a "sleep cycle" change. According to our doctor, the night terrors accorded when he was overly tired and went into a deep, deep sleep and, then, when transistioning to a lighter sleep cycle he got "stuck" mid-cycle (not quite awake, not asleep, terrified). IT WORKED! He went to bed around 8 and we went in around 10:30ish and just gently picked him up in our arms and whispered until he awakened just slightly, then we laid him back down and he went back to sleep with no terror that night. The terrors also seemed to occur when he was overly tired so if there is any way you can get her to bed earlier or a nap in the afternoon might help. The textbooks say that the child must just work through it and that talking, soothing, etc. doesn't help a night terror resolve any faster and we found that to be true but difficult to just let the terror go on without intervention. The one thing that would sometimes seem to shorten it was carrying him to our bed and turning on CMT, MTV or any music television and the music seemed to distract and soothe. Wierd.....he (and one of his little brothers who had fewer episodes) did grow out of it. Good luck!!!
Welcome home! I know it is hard hard hard right now but you will get through it. Lots of good advice here.... just hang in there and hang on to the strength of Jesus. You are doing a great job! Also I agree with the person who said try to find someone to come in and help while Jamie is at work, just so you can get some rest or companionship. Or someone who will do laundry for you? God Bless...
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